So many changes

I have experienced so many changes in my life recently. As I struggle to find balance, I will endeavor to post more frequently and to update this blog as well as my other effort "ceruleanmusings".

Thank you for your support.

NP

Sanctuary

Today I am beyond broken

Beyond tears and so tired

I need the sanctuary of love

That can only be found

In the crook

Of a strong man’s arms

I need to feel protected

Safe from the storms of the day

Safe from the currents that blow

Winds of illness and uncertainty

Of things that we cannot name

In the light of days

I need the sanctuary of love

Where I can be strong for him

Holding his head in my lap

Brushing trouble off his temple

Whispering nothing across brows

Worried with troubles of

An imperfect and unfair world

I need to be love’s refuge

A place where he can be himself

And allow me to be his anchor

For every concern

And for every day

Today I am beyond broken

Tomorrow I will be

Less or more so the same

These are the days I am not

Meant to be all alone

Thoughts of foreverness cling

To my waking moments

And disturb my sleep

I need the sanctuary of love

That has been denied me

And has left me beyond tears

And so very tired

©NP 5/24/11

Prayer...etheree

I

Prayed

Fervently

Committing faith

Fasting in the sun

For manifestations

Believing benevolence

Would surely find me in favor

For what I wanted seemed so little

In the grand scheme of running the whole world

A four letter word was my desire

Parlor Trick

I want to believe

But each and every morning

I wake up to the same me

Did God not hear my prayer?

I don’t mind so much

The graying hair and

The knees that ache

In wet and cold weather

I really don’t care that

I make less money than I should

All of that is irreverent

I just need to step out of my bed

And keep walking

Without looking back

Without a pained conscious

You see, I need an iron heart

And not this leaky one I went to bed with

I just asked for a small thing

I don’t use this vagina anyway

If God would just give me a penis

Then I could be like you

Suicide

I contemplated you today

There is no way to know why

And I don’t even know how

When we last spoke

We were happy and sharing

Looking forward to the weekend

You had another name then

Or maybe it was just

Your social representative

Did you get lonely?

And decide to find solace

In another space?

I would have gone with you

I just couldn’t find the directions

I have looked for doorways

And searched high and low

For the map you made

But it remains hidden from me

I suspect that one day

You will tell me your secrets

because of you

I wonder through this world

A heart lost to the daylight

Pulling the tattered edges of my soul

Leeward into the pain

I clench my fist tight

Shaking it into the face of grace

Who am I that the Lord of all

Would leave me alone

When I needed Him the most

Could He not see me fasting

Could He not hear my prayers

My question earns the silence

As I listen for the echo

Of the love I tried to mirror

That was deflected beyond me.

Lessons

Is there an accident

Waiting to fall on my head

Around the next corner

I think so

For I still bear the dents

From such debris

A small drop of melted wax

Hot to the touch

A needle hidden in the carpet

And lying in the fence post

A small splinter of wood

Waiting to kiss a straying hand

As when I was a child

I want to be innocent

Of the perils that stand watch for me

To wander by each day

I do not want to know

That I take a risk upon each rising

Out of the bed for breakfast

I don’t want to be afraid

And I don’t want to be alone

Unprepared and accidently I am

Unexpectedly so

I want to get up with the sun

Smiling and ready to play

Expecting that my friends will still like me

Despite the mean things

I said yesterday

About cooties

I want to know that when I get home

There is safety and warmth

Waiting on me behind the door

To envelop me in arms

And not the silence I hear

There are scars on my legs

From bicycle accidents

Burns on my wrist from touching

A lamp without a cover

My skin is a map

Of uncarefullness

Singed from wrapping myself

Around your light

But my deep in the dark scar

Lies just under that

Covered completely

Like so many failures

Unseen

I can only kick at the clods

Standing around the open grave

Mirrored in my eyes

I need to bury my broken heart

And say last rites

But I live without notice

Painfully raw

The beating is stilled, teacher and

I have finally learned the lesson

That hurts way too much

To speak out loud

“I am not worth loving”